Day 1 - Arrived in Liverpool after a long bus journey sat next to an Asian woman and her son who I stupidly encouraged by smiling when he first prodded me awake making any more sleep out of the question. The hostel was down a lovely side street in Anfield (the posh part of Liverpool). By lovely I mean the hostel was the only house on the street that wasn't boarded up. The inside was nicer, newly done out, and there were two friendly Aussies who I persuaded to experience a Saturday night in Liverpool.
Setting off not sure of the way to the centre we asked directions from two scary looking youths and their even scarier looking pitbull which they gave us in exchange for the Aussies saying 'chuck another shrimp on the barbie'. The Aussies had never heard of the phrase, they call shrimps prawns in Australia.
The evening was fun although the places we went felt too sleazy and we saw a bouncer punch a girl while another man laid unconscious on the floor with blood pouring from his head.
Day 2 - Watched Liverpool 2 Blackburn 1 then went for a drink in the evening and was offered some cocaine. I declined.
Day 3 - Did a bit of sightseeing and then on to Manchester. In Manchester Wetherspoons I was chatted at by the local mad old queen. His name was Bernie, he wore a checked blazer with a polkadot hankie and striped tie and he irritated most of the people within earshot making me feel uneasy at his claims that I was his good friend.
After the pint I walked around the city and allowed myself to be collared by one of the charity people who try to get you to sign up to a few quid a month donations.
'I already give to a select couple of charities thanks' I said
'Oh great, which ones?' the girl replied.
Bugger, I hadn't thought this far ahead. I must be able to think of a charity. After a pause too long I said 'Oasis, they do good work in Africa'.
She knew I was lying but there was nothing she could do about it.
Another guy approached me and before I could say 'not interested' he asked me if I wanted to be on TV. It was for a CITV show called funniest things with a nob by the name of Stephen Mulherne and I had been picked because I looked like a mug.
This was how the filmed conversation went:
'Are you a friendly person Glyn?'
'What do you mean by mostly, when wouldn't you be friendly?'
'If the person I was talking to was a nutter'
'Oh... I wasn't expecting you to say that. Would you say you malt a lot?' (What a shit question)
'The normal amount I suppose.'
'What's the normal amount?' (Seriously Stephen, give me something to work with here, he clearly didn't know I was a pro having appeared on The Really Wild Show '95)
'Like the normal human amount. I don't leave piles of it on the sofa'
'And would you wee on the carpet?'
'I think I can safely say I would not wee on your carpet'
This went on for a few minutes, getting me to act like a dog by rolling over and begging was the low point. I cringe thinking about it. Thankfully the only bit that made it on to tele was the one sentence of me confirming I wouldn't wee on the carpet.
Chinese meal with some friends from travelling that evening and then back on the bus home.
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